Tag Archives: Comedy

C.A.B.D.

5 May

Today on a trip to the happiest place on Earth (WalMart), Madilyn found a Creepy Ass Baby Doll that she really, really wanted.  You know the kind of doll I’m talking about.  It’s airbrushed to look real, has wrist-rolls, fat piggie toes, and those eyes that close when you lay it down?  The kind of baby doll that likely spends the night perusing your home looking for the sharpest object to stab your eyes out with.  Yeah.  That kind of Creepy Ass Baby Doll.

I hate baby dolls.  As a matter of fact, I always have.  I was a My Little Pony and books type of girl and I prayed every day that I was pregnant that Madilyn would find baby dolls boring and weird too.

Um.  That didn’t happen.  She loves them.  And naturally as she gets older, she’s beginning to like the super-creepy ones.  So I’m going to have to start locking my door when I sleep.

Tell me what you think:

Geez, I’m sorry… I didn’t realize Madilyn was so violent.

That baby’s creepy, right?


		
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mURPHY’S lAW mONDAY

2 May

Things happen in my life on a near-daily basis that prove Murphy’s Law as truth. Each Monday is now dedicated to showcasing my life’s crazy moments.

If it can happen, it will happen.

My third, wonderful child was born exactly 8 weeks ago today.  That Monday, Murphy’s Law was tested.

I was admitted into the hospital the morning of March 7, 2011 to get 2 bags of Penicillin due to a positive Group B Strep culture administered before my induction would begin.  The induction began at 11:30 after two full rounds of Penicillin and as a third round was administered.  Fast forward to 5:30PM and I still wasn’t in labor, despite the fact that the Pitocin was turned up to a 24 out of 30.  My doctor came in to check me and decided that we should break my water (like I said I’d never have done again) because the baby was still at a -5.  My water was broken at 5:45PM and my wonderful doctor stayed to monitor the baby and me until 6PM.  At 6PM I still had not had a contraction so my doctor decided to leave the hospital to check on another patient of hers that was at the other hospital just down the road.  This particular patient was a first time mom and had been progressing slowly all day so she thought she’d just hop over there, show her face, and come back to deliver my baby since I have a history of rapid labors.  I felt my first contraction around 6:15PM.  As history dictates, my contractions were pretty well one right after another but not super painful.  I had to pee at 6:55PM.  I had one contraction on the way to the restroom and one on the way back from the restroom.  I decided to jump up into the bed and lie on my side.  My next contraction caused a huge, strong reaction in my uterus and the nurse noticed the look on my face.  She checked my cervix and I was 8cm.  But in the next contraction I could feel the baby moving down into the birth canal.  My baby was born at 7:10PM into the hands of two nurses.

If your doctor leaves your hospital to check on a patient at another hospital because you’re not even in labor yet, you WILL have your baby in the one hour that she is gone.

If it can happen, it will happen.

TSA Invasion: Boobies Beware!

29 Nov

There has been such a hubbub about the new full body scanners in airports.  This insurgence of media coverage has caused me to spend quite some time thinking about what I would do if faced with the possibility of going through one of those vs. having a full body pat down.  I also think about how the images could possibly be used by the people running the machines, other than for the obvious reasons.  I think about it a lot while I’m driving and even more when I’m out shopping.  I often find myself wondering what the handsome man at the furniture store looks like without his clothes on, or how good the cashier at the clothing store REALLY looks in the buff.  I really should get a job with TSA so that I don’t have to wonder anymore.  These machines show EVERYTHING.

What you might as well wear next time you travel the friendly skies.

It’s really quite amazing!  I happened upon a website just this evening that shows an image of a woman in “The Machine” (insert lightening flashing and thunder clapping here).  The top image shows her face very much blurred out but the bottom image clearly shows her face.  The caption discusses the fact that the image the TSA “pervert”is  reviewing is not the same image that they show to you, and that it is not in the slightest anonymous.  Um, no.  I would imagine not.  These pictures clearly show *cough* junk and other schtuff.

Here’s my take on the whole TSA body scanner uproar:  At one time in my life, I was a hot, solid bodied thing but guess what?  I’m not anymore.  I’m a little round around the edges.  I’ve breastfed 2 kids and my boobs are not only enormous but also, well, to put this lightly, a little saggy.  I’ve got extra deposits of lard around my hips, thighs, and knees.  Hell, I think I have some extra Crisco in places I didn’t even know you could GET fat. (Ladies, you know what I’m talking about here.)  I’ve got an attractive face, but certainly nothing that could detract from the Romanesque picture that would show up on a TSA full-body scanner’s screen.  Ok so let’s just assume the guy (or gal for that matter), likes what they see on the screen?  (Hey, it’s possible, my hubby thinks I’m sumpthin’ else to look at.)  What are they really going to do with  my image?  Rub one off right there in the airport?  Let’s get real.  I am, however; under the impression from this article that the images can, in fact be saved.  Ok, so that is kinda weird but I’m not super concerned with my image being saved for a little fun after work.  You can get much better free porn on the internet.  I hardly believe these TSA workers are so underpaid that they can’t afford internet.

That brings me to the grope-downs that are now being offered in lieu of the full-body scan.  I love being touched.  It’s one of my favorite things.  I’m just not sure that what I want before walking onto my 6 hour flight to Seattle is to be felt up.  Perhaps on the flight but don’t get me all excited before I have to sit next to Mr. Stinkyman who invades 3″ of my total 12″ seat space, while munching on stale peanuts!  Have you seen a video of the pat-down they are now issuing?  It’s pretty darned invasive; nothing short of sticking a finger in various holes, I tell ya’.  While watching the video I thought, “Hm…I wonder what women with breasts like mine have to go through during this enhanced security measure?”  I really could hide a handgun underneath my boobs and they’d never find out.  Unless, of course, they physically lifted my boob up and felt up under there.  Do you think they’re doing that?  I’d love to see some bra-less old woman in a muumuu go through the new grope down.  I can just imagine her partially toothed smile as a burly TSA security-woman had to lift the traveler’s breasts with two hands and feel under that sweaty spot with her free foot.  You know, just in case there’s a nail file under there.

So what would I do?  I think I’d rather be the one having all the fun instead of someone sitting in a booth enjoying my curvaceous form in negative-image.  Yeah.  I’m in for the grope-down.  C’mon and love me down!  How about you?

Footnote:  I hope those of you reading this didn’t take it too seriously.  This was intended to be a satire, please and thank you.  I think the 4th Amendment rocks.  Ask Mr. Lenhart in Juneau-Alaska at JDHS (assuming he still teaches there).  I did a debate on a 4th Amendment illegal search and seizure in high school…and won.  So there.

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