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Women. Are. Disgusting.

25 Jan

If you have a vagina, I’m talking to you.   You’re disgusting.  Don’t look at me that way!  You are!  We all know that men are animals, right? Well, I’ve come to the conclusion that women are animals too. The worst sort of animals, actually. Downright disgusting, gnarly, poo-flinging, insect eating animals who are able to wrap themselves in pretty little packages to ensconce just how nasty they really are.

This isn’t really a new revelation but I guess maybe I’m getting to the age where it’s really beginning to bother me. I’ve lived with women (names and relation shall remain anonymous), who left bloody pads in their underwear, on the floor, for days at a time. I’ve lived with women who left smeared blood drying on the toilet seat – front and back. I’ve even been known to forget to flush a used tampon from time to time.  But the worst sort of crimes happen in public bathrooms.  I try to stay away from them but I’ve been either pregnant or nursing for the past 2 years which means that I’ve either had a baby chillin’ on my bladder all day long, or had a full bladder from pumping myself with fluids so that I could maintain my title of “milk factory”.  Thus, I have visited more public restrooms in the past 2 years than ever in my life.  One thing remains a constant: no matter where I am, what sort of swanky restaurant or new movie theater I attend, the women’s restroom is a bordello of nastiness.

I’ll never forget being at a bar in downtown Orlando several years back and having to use the restroom.  I was the DD that night so I’m sure I had OD’d on H2O.  My friend and I made our way back to the restroom so that she could use it but I refused.  I was going to hold out until the very end.  Well, the end came 30 minutes later and I just couldn’t hold it anymore.  So we went back to the restroom and lo and behold, there was a freaking turd on the toilet seat.  ON the toilet seat.  Not IN the toilet, but ON the toilet seat.  Needless to say, I didn’t relieve my bladder there.  I did, however; take a picture and it was my profile photo on MySpace for months on end.  Ask my friends.

My husband manages a cafe that is adjacent to a public park.  There are often events there and because the building is city-owned, he has to let people who are not patrons of the cafe use the restrooms.  Unfortunately, the city doesn’t provide cleaning services, my husband and his staff do.  I can’t tell you how many days he comes home complaining about how disgusting the women’s restrooms are.  Tampons, pads IN toilets (REALLY?!), feces that is either too large to flush, or feces that someone just didn’t flush, pee on the floor, wet hand prints on the walls, poop-filled diapers lying on sinks and counters instead of disposed of properly, I could go on and on.  Today I was at the cafe, and true to pregnant form, I had to pee.  I left my dear daughter with her dad so I could pee without wrangling her and worrying about her touching some nasty particle on the floor.  Naturally, the first two toilets had pee ALL over them.  The second of which, had more toilet paper than one single urination should EVER call for.  This woman had obviously wrapped her hands in toilet paper before wiping, afraid to touch her own pee, and then used half of a roll on top of that to wipe her urethra, all the while spraying bio-hazardous waste all over the restroom stall.  The third stall had wet toilet paper on the floor but it was the cleanest of the 3 and I didn’t really feel like using the handicapped stall because the toilet is just too tall for me to hover over, being that I’m 8 months pregnant.  FORGET that whole not hovering thing.

While hovering, I got a little urine on the toilet and after wiping myself clean, I wiped down the toilet seat too.  Like I feel ANY decent person would have done.  But apparently decent women just don’t wipe up after themselves.  Is it REALLY that difficult to wipe up your own piss?  Would you rather wipe your own up, or someone else’s?  I know that a dry toilet seat doesn’t mean a clean toilet seat but good Lord, seriously!?  We can’t even wipe our own pee off of a toilet seat?  We have to leave it for someone else to do?   Wouldn’t using a public restroom be a much more pleasant experience if we could rely on the person who went before us to clean up after themselves (like I do)?

This is a call to action.  Wipe your pee off of the toilet seat when you use it.  We yell at and nag our men for leaving the seat up, but we women can’t even wipe up after ourselves when we know damn well someone else is going to use the toilet after we do.  I would personally be extremely embarrassed if someone watched me walk out of a stall before they went in it, only to discover that I had left little bits of myself all over the seat.  Clean up after yourself.  Give men the “Dirty Animal” label back.  I don’t want it anymore.  And God forbid, wrap your blood-soaked pad up in toilet paper and put it in the receptacle.  Flush your tampon.  And if you absolutely MUST poop in a public restroom, don’t leave the stall until your turd is good and flushed.  IF you have trouble with it, contact someone who can clean it up so the rest of us don’t have to wait in a long line, crossing our legs and doing the potty dance to get into the ONE clean, working stall.

Thank-you.

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TSA Invasion: Boobies Beware!

29 Nov

There has been such a hubbub about the new full body scanners in airports.  This insurgence of media coverage has caused me to spend quite some time thinking about what I would do if faced with the possibility of going through one of those vs. having a full body pat down.  I also think about how the images could possibly be used by the people running the machines, other than for the obvious reasons.  I think about it a lot while I’m driving and even more when I’m out shopping.  I often find myself wondering what the handsome man at the furniture store looks like without his clothes on, or how good the cashier at the clothing store REALLY looks in the buff.  I really should get a job with TSA so that I don’t have to wonder anymore.  These machines show EVERYTHING.

What you might as well wear next time you travel the friendly skies.

It’s really quite amazing!  I happened upon a website just this evening that shows an image of a woman in “The Machine” (insert lightening flashing and thunder clapping here).  The top image shows her face very much blurred out but the bottom image clearly shows her face.  The caption discusses the fact that the image the TSA “pervert”is  reviewing is not the same image that they show to you, and that it is not in the slightest anonymous.  Um, no.  I would imagine not.  These pictures clearly show *cough* junk and other schtuff.

Here’s my take on the whole TSA body scanner uproar:  At one time in my life, I was a hot, solid bodied thing but guess what?  I’m not anymore.  I’m a little round around the edges.  I’ve breastfed 2 kids and my boobs are not only enormous but also, well, to put this lightly, a little saggy.  I’ve got extra deposits of lard around my hips, thighs, and knees.  Hell, I think I have some extra Crisco in places I didn’t even know you could GET fat. (Ladies, you know what I’m talking about here.)  I’ve got an attractive face, but certainly nothing that could detract from the Romanesque picture that would show up on a TSA full-body scanner’s screen.  Ok so let’s just assume the guy (or gal for that matter), likes what they see on the screen?  (Hey, it’s possible, my hubby thinks I’m sumpthin’ else to look at.)  What are they really going to do with  my image?  Rub one off right there in the airport?  Let’s get real.  I am, however; under the impression from this article that the images can, in fact be saved.  Ok, so that is kinda weird but I’m not super concerned with my image being saved for a little fun after work.  You can get much better free porn on the internet.  I hardly believe these TSA workers are so underpaid that they can’t afford internet.

That brings me to the grope-downs that are now being offered in lieu of the full-body scan.  I love being touched.  It’s one of my favorite things.  I’m just not sure that what I want before walking onto my 6 hour flight to Seattle is to be felt up.  Perhaps on the flight but don’t get me all excited before I have to sit next to Mr. Stinkyman who invades 3″ of my total 12″ seat space, while munching on stale peanuts!  Have you seen a video of the pat-down they are now issuing?  It’s pretty darned invasive; nothing short of sticking a finger in various holes, I tell ya’.  While watching the video I thought, “Hm…I wonder what women with breasts like mine have to go through during this enhanced security measure?”  I really could hide a handgun underneath my boobs and they’d never find out.  Unless, of course, they physically lifted my boob up and felt up under there.  Do you think they’re doing that?  I’d love to see some bra-less old woman in a muumuu go through the new grope down.  I can just imagine her partially toothed smile as a burly TSA security-woman had to lift the traveler’s breasts with two hands and feel under that sweaty spot with her free foot.  You know, just in case there’s a nail file under there.

So what would I do?  I think I’d rather be the one having all the fun instead of someone sitting in a booth enjoying my curvaceous form in negative-image.  Yeah.  I’m in for the grope-down.  C’mon and love me down!  How about you?

Footnote:  I hope those of you reading this didn’t take it too seriously.  This was intended to be a satire, please and thank you.  I think the 4th Amendment rocks.  Ask Mr. Lenhart in Juneau-Alaska at JDHS (assuming he still teaches there).  I did a debate on a 4th Amendment illegal search and seizure in high school…and won.  So there.

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